Maria Shriver

The Power of the Posse

By Kristy Campbell

Follow @kristy_campbell

I pushed away all of my friends this past summer. It wasn’t intentional; it just happened.

My upheaval, like so many other women’s, seemed to happen overnight. I went to bed one night thinking my life was one thing only to wake up and discover it was nothing of what I thought. Quick transitions are sometime the most difficult because it feels like you are running out of a burning building grabbing only the most important parts of your life: kids, wallet, keys, and every framed photo you can carry.

My divorce was proceeding as expected until one day my soon-to-be-ex-husband divulged the truth of our financial situation to me. Sitting in a cafe, I remember he apologized, turned over the spreadsheet, and then the floor beneath me gave way as I began my free-fall.

I’ve often wondered what happens in that moment when you hear words about how your life has just dramatically changed…the moment when you hear a breast cancer diagnosis or news that your husband was killed in battle or the fact that your child has autism. I suddenly had insight.

As my panic set in, all I could focus on was the “there is nothing left” financial future. Facing me from that spreadsheet was the stark reality that at the age of 45 with five children, I was going to be homeless in a few months. The room was spinning but my reflexes took over and I found myself doing what I always have done: said a quick prayer asking for strength, reassured my soon-to-be-ex-husband that we’d get through it, and then went to my car and cried the whole way home.

By the time I hit my driveway, I had formulated a plan: call my parents, get a storage unit, pack up the house, and immediately start looking for work after being a full-time mom for a decade. Somehow, having a plan made me feel like I had control over the situation.

That night, I called, texted, and sent out emails to my friends asking for their help in executing my plan, and within a week, they had mobilized in full force bringing over boxes and packing paper, leaving dinners at my doorstep, and editing my resume. It was this group of friends, my posse, who got me through those first few weeks.

When the school year ended, I packed up the U-Haul, headed to my parents’ home, and waved goodbye to the life I had known for 11 years.

I threw myself into my new life with getting my kids on the swim team and introducing myself to anyone with children. As my new life fell into place, I began to push away my posse. I didn’t return their calls. I didn’t respond to texts or emails. I tried to disconnect from the very support group I had needed, and I wasn’t sure why. It suddenly felt painful to reach out to them.

Despite my silence, my friends kept reaching out, and I received an email from a friend who is going through a serious health issue and a divorce. She told me she understood what I was doing as she did the same thing. Once her treatments had started and she had dinners, carpools, and childcare in place, she went into hiding because she didn’t feel like she was the same person as she was before. She had a reputation for being capable and reliable, and she had never been needy in her life. She wasn’t comfortable admitting that she finally needed help, especially of the emotional kind.

I felt a strange sense of relief since I finally had a word to describe what I was feeling: vulnerable.

Her email made me realize that transition often means taking a different role within your circle of friends. You may have to reach out and ask for help rather than be the one offering it, but by reaching out you allow yourself growth within your friendships as well as within yourself.

I continue to have days that I don’t think I can get out of bed, but the power of my posse has taught me that asking for help doesn’t make me weak…it makes me human.

How have your friends helped you through a difficult time? Share your story below.

Kristy Campbell is a writer, actress, and mom of 5. Her column, "Saving The World One Teen At A Time," appears on Mommytracked.com. She also contributes to ModernMom.com and The Huffington Post. Her thoughts on modern midlife are offered in her blog, "Juggling On The Journey." You can find her work at www.kristycampbellcreative.com.