Maria Shriver

How to Cope With Divorce

By Bronnie Ware

In the busy and somewhat unbalanced times we live in, it is rare for divorce to pass us by completely. It may be a close friend, a family member, or a work colleague going through the turmoil that such change can bring. Or it may be our own self.

Divorce is a loss, and requires the process of grief and time to heal. Putting pressure on yourself for what you could have done differently, for not seeing the writing on the wall sooner, for not hanging in there for the sake of the children, or for numerous other unnecessary criticisms you may generate towards your self, does not help the healing process at all. It hinders it.

In an ideal world, we would all marry and live happily ever after. The only way this ideal truly stands a chance of surviving, though, is when there is a complete and balanced commitment from both parties, and a balanced openness to growth.

Unfortunately, it is not common for two people to grow at the same pace, meaning that one will always need to draw on more of their wisdom with patience and compassion, for the benefit of their partner and the relationship. Love is a powerful force, the most powerful of all. But sadly, in the times we live in, even the best of love can be challenged to breaking point.

Sometimes it works that the more evolved person within the relationship will eventually benefit from the growth and spiritual evolution of their partner, so together they can move forward into a more conscious partnership. At other times though, a person can spend their whole life drowning in the wounds of the other, waiting for them to grow. And would true love really ask this of someone, for them to lose themselves completely, all for the benefit of another?

Whatever the reasons are that your relationship is breaking down, or has already done so, you are definitely given the opportunity to grow from the experience. But growth takes letting go and time. You are going through a cocoon, leaving your old life behind.

And if you are to evolve properly, at a pace suitable for your own development, allowing you to come out the other side strong enough to survive in your new world, you need to give yourself the required time and gentleness to heal.

Divorce can challenge your relationship beliefs on every level. But carrying self-condemnation forward is not honouring the life you are here to live. Time for healing is required, yes, to learn to forgive (yourself, as much as your former partner), time to generate compassion for yourself (and hopefully in time, for your former partner), and to dare to dream as an individual again.

One of best ways to deal with any hardship in life is to try and step back and see the big picture. That is, you are here on a spiritual journey and any opportunities you are given for new insights into yourself are for your own benefit, regardless of how painful it is at the time. The deeper wisdom that can evolve out of such experience then benefits all of those around you.

No one says that all learning is fun. But it is always beneficial.

Each of us is here to aid the growth of those in our soul family. Often this is done unconsciously. When you think of the pain you have suffered through relationship break-ups, changes in friendships, or some particular challenges experienced during childhood, you could say you wish you hadn’t had to go through those times. But you wouldn’t be who you are without them. And by allowing time for healing, wisdom to surface, and for the big picture to be revealed, it will usually become clear that such painful times actually bring the biggest and most wonderful gifts of healing and self-exploration, far more than easier times.

Happiness does eventually return, but through newer and clearer sight. It is possible to reach a place in yourself where you will be able to silently thank those involved for the roles they have played in your life, whether they did so consciously or not. They have fulfilled their place in your evolution, just as you have fulfilled the role required for their evolution. If there is a third person or more involved in the relationship breakdown, then they too are playing the role they are here to play.

So rather than be lost in jealousy and hold yourself back from being the amazing person you dream of becoming, trust compassionately that others also have their own lessons to experience, some of which will also bring them pain. A part of their own soul’s journey may involve the learning they are currently experiencing, or will experience later, through your previous partner or yourself.

Compassion is easier to find when we can remove the ego and try to see the big picture.

Like any loss, though, divorce needs time for grief, for emptying out, for the release of all of the emotions that surface. When there is nothing left and you are drained and unable to continue, then just allow that time to be. It’s OK to not know what to do next. It’s OK to simply wait. Take one very small step at a time. Slowly, slowly, you will be filled again as the new life and the new you are born, one day at a time. Like a child needing patience and guidance, you need to allow yourself that same unconditional love and patience.

There is no set date to have to be up and about again. Be gentle and patient. The thing to remember is that the past is now the past, and the life waiting ahead is yours to choose. To become stronger than the pain is a decision you will make when you are ready, when the weight of the past has stopped being of any benefit to you and the pull of the future takes a stronger hold.

Slowly but surely, you are given the opportunity to start recognising your own beauty and worth, as an individual now, not as a couple. And while this may be daunting, it can also be the most exciting thing, to be wholly responsible for your own happiness.

We can work toward the directions we wish, but life constantly reminds us that we are never in total control. Surrender with trust to this process. Know that even if you cannot yet see the big picture, what is happening right now is a part of your evolution. And with this change comes the opportunity to become someone new, while also keeping the best of the old you.

No one would consciously choose to go through the pain that divorce can bring. Whether you are the person leaving or the person left behind, divorce is rarely an easy, painless decision. It represents shattered dreams, a betrayal of trust, and a potential fear of ever opening up and trusting again.

But it also represents a new beginning. It returns the freedom for you to choose your own steps forward, to gain clarity and reassess what is most important now, and to show you that you truly are stronger than you ever knew you were.

One step at a time, one day at a time, one new achievement at a time, one new dream at a time -- and in between, a little rest and a little faith.

You have come this far. Step forward slowly, but surely.

A new life awaits. Thank the past. Experience today. Embrace tomorrow.

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Bronnie Ware is a writer and songwriter from Australia, who spent several years as a caregiver for dying people. She has recently released a full-length book titled The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. For more information about Bronnie's work, please visit her official website at www.bronnieware.com and her blog at www.inspirationandchai.com.

Read Bronnie's Ware's last MariaShriver.com article, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.